


Our Lady Immaculate College End of Year Report

by trixie_b



Category: Derry Girls (TV)
Genre: Everyone was obsessed with the oncoming 21st century, Gen, I have taught in private/church schools since 1986, Non-narrative, Sister Michael is my spirit animal, Sister Michael would read this aloud at some sort of end-of-year function
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 16:00:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21430870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trixie_b/pseuds/trixie_b
Summary: It's speech night and Sister Michael gives her particular take on the Principal's End of Year Report, as only she can.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 72





	Our Lady Immaculate College End of Year Report

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on Seasons 1 and 2 of Derry Girls. I love Sister Michael.

Our Lady Immaculate College End of Year Report

June, 1996

It has been an unsatisfactory year in many ways. While the hope for peace produced outlandish displays of unfettered joy amongst the girls, it also led to disruption of the school year and some poor decisions by the church leaders and school governors. What good could possibly come of bringing together two groups of hormonally-addled teenagers with absolutely nothing in common, I couldn’t say. Well, I did say, in fact, and I was proven right. The only positive outcome of the whole debacle was that Miss Turner, of Londonderry Boys’ Academy and I agreed that any future ecumenical plans would be pre-emptively vetoed as a bad idea.

I had anticipated that the visit of the Child of Prague statue to the school would be a highlight of the year and it almost was. The kind offer of the Bishop to allow us to keep the statue here, rather than pass it on to St Benedict’s as planned, was most welcome. What was not welcome were the horrors inflicted on the poor wee fella by a group of unruly students. Restitution is ongoing and will be until I say otherwise.

Academic results at A Levels were as always: the clever wains did well, the others performed as we tried to tell you they would. Parents should be reminded that only our Saviour and his Saints can perform miracles; after-hours extra tutoring by staff cannot, despite how often you ask. Prayers to Our Lady are advised.

Behaviour at mass continues to underwhelm.

During my tenure as Headmistress, the Board of Governors have seen the wisdom of according me a welcome degree of administrative autonomy. I am most pleased to say that this will in future extend to all matters of staffing. Whilst never one to dismiss ‘innovations’ in pedagogy out of hand, experience has shown that the firm hand of authority, rather than ineffectual gestures of ‘inspiration’, is the key to successful teaching. Staff will also be banned from riding motorcycles to school, as it gives the students ideas.

I continue to receive queries about the admission of a male (who shall remain nameless) to the student body, As I have said previously, he is of no threat in any way to any of the girls, not having any interest in them whatsoever. As to those who object to his presence due to his nationality, I hope you’d be happy to cover the funeral costs if we were to send him to Christian Boys Secondary.

The following changes have been made to school policy:

  * School dances will no longer be themed. The curtains are still heavily stained.
  * The positions of School Captain; Arts Committee Captain; Debating Captain, Newspaper Editor; Dance Committee Head; Student Ministry Leader, Communion Wrangler and Official Beekeeper can no longer be held by one person. Leadership positions will in future be limited to ONE per student.
  * The following songs have been added to the list of those banned from performance at school UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES: 
    * Anything recorded by Celine Dion;
    * _Earthsong_ by Michael Jackson;
    * _Kiss from a Rose_ by Seal or anything by aquatically named performer/s;
    * _Wonderwall_ by Oasis; and
    * _It’s Oh So Quiet_ by Bjork. Although I am told it is a ‘charming’ and ‘quirky’ performance in the original, in the vocal cords of teenage girls it amounts to aural abuse. Sister Paul has required heavy medication since the incident at the Year 9 Drama Showcase.
  * The ban on quoting from ‘Zombie’ by The Cranberries in English assessments remains in place.

The implementation of the ‘The Future is Now: Into the 21st Century School Improvement and Building Plan’ has been postponed indefinitely.

I wish you all a pleasant break from school and to those graduating I say, ‘Prepare for disappointment.’

I shall be spending my holidays in Spain. Please do not speak to me if you happen to be there as well.

By the Grace of God

Sister Michael

Headmistress

(Black Belt, 2nd Grade)

**Author's Note:**

> Episodes, events and characters referenced:  
Para 1: Across the Barricade  
Para 2: Ms de Brun and the Child of Prague. The Bishop had this offer forced upon him.  
Para 3: You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, no matter how much money you pay.  
Para 4: Behaviour at mass always underwhelms  
Para 5: Ms de Brun and the Child of Prague  
Para 6: Poor James. Let him be a man!  
Para 7: The Prom; the Jenny Joyce rule (Communion Wrangler is a Discworld reference, Official Beekeeper a Rushmore one); Season 1: Episode 2 (I looked up the top selling UK songs in 1995, I thought she'd hate these, as well as anything with 'Love' in the title); I can only imagine how many essays suffered from this song.  
Para 8: The obsession of educators in 1996 (still is);  
Para 9: Season 1: Episode 1 (Sister Michael's response to Jenny's inspiring speech)  
Para 10: Teachers just love running into their students whilst on holidays. I once heard my name called out cheerfully in San Francisco, three days into the school holidays. I come from Australia. There is no escape.  
Signature: Judo!


End file.
